im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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