I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
