Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
