Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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