I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize