so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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