Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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