I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
