In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
