I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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