The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
