I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And then he peed in my hair
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