Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
