i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
