There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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