it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
