i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
