You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
