Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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