just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
