When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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