Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
