i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
