she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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