Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
