Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
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