I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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