so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
