my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
