They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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