someone owes me an orgasm
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
