I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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