oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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