Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Be still, my beating vagina.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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