hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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