Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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