Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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