I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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