what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
