You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
