Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
