are you still at the devil's house?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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