Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
