I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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