apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
