so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
