Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
