im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
