My hand turned me down
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So vagazzling was a success
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
