You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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