You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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