Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
